You may have gone far
away from here, and had
a life rich with sights
and experiences
that far outstripped what
I had in my short time.
But you know at your
core, that it will never
be enough, it will
never make amends, it
will never make you
forget that you have it
all because of what
you stole from me. But still,
even though I’m gone
too early, my time was
more truly alive
than your glamorous lie.

0

A fuck-up like me, a
man who had wasted decades on drugs
and booze, who had cut a
swath of destruction through lives in three
states; it’s ironic that
such a wretch could come out the other
side of his Trial and
be able to lead a ministry
for the fallen. I had
replaced the ecstasy of meth with
the bliss of Jesus. He
saved me in every sense of the word.

0

I entered politics
to make things better. But
after all the years, all
the deals, all the goddamned
compromises it took
before I finally
won election to the
State Legislature, I
don’t think that I had the
faintest notion what was
right anymore. So I
sold my vote on the big
eminent domain bill
that favored the Deegan
Trust, and naturally I
got caught and went to jail.
I wish I had stuck to
being a shoe salesman.

0

I kept my secrets in life.
I’ll keep them in
death. There is nothing
I can say to you that you
could possibly
understand. Move on.

0

I knew she cheated on me.
A Minister
cannot divorce his wife and
expect to keep
his position. So I bore
it. Even as
I took on more outside work.
I wrote books on
how to live a Godly life.
None of them did
too well, as if people could
intuit that
I was lying. I prayed for
one of them to
succeed, so I could afford
to abandon
the Ministry and divorce
her. I never did.

0

Gil and I loved to
argue religion. He
was a wonderful
fellow and a hopeless
secularist. When
my cancer was in its
final stages, he
would visit me often,
and I looked forward
to those more than any
perfunctory drop-
in by the folks who just
felt obligated.
The last thing I said to
him before I died
was that I looked forward
to settling the
question once and for all.
But wouldn’t you know
it, he’s still not convinced.

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I always
argued that
religion
and God were
just fictions.
Stories used
to explain
things beyond
our ken. It
did not make
me the most
popular
man in Spoon
River, a
town that was
quite pious.
But I stuck
to my guns.
I also
believed there
was no such
thing as an
afterlife.
So I’m not
sure what this
is right here,
where I am.
But I am
willing to
entertain
theories on
it without
bowing down
and giving
praise to the
Christian god.

0

All that I achieved – Judge,
Congressman, and a
Candidate for the State
House – was possible
only because of the
inheritance I
received from my parents,
Thomas and Gail White.
From my father, I got
my morals, ethics,
and sense of duty. From
my mother, I learned
how to take all of life
in stride, and rejoice
even in the parts that
seemed to be setbacks.
Everything that I was,
was because of them.

0

I came here from
Poland when I was a girl, and
got work as a
domestic in the White home. One
day, when Mrs.
White was out, Mr. White trapped me
in the kitchen.
I kept quiet, afraid they would
send me back to
Poland. But soon I began to
show. And Mrs.
White came to me. I thought she would
kill me. But she
had a plan. They had no children
of their own, so
she would take the baby and claim
that it was hers.
I’m sure that Mr. White gave her
many other
things to placate her wrath. So we
both stayed out of
sight until the baby came. Then
they quietly
sent me to work somewhere else. Years
later, I found
Dolph Kirilov, and we built our
own family.
And it was sweet. But whenever
people saw me
crying at the eloquence of
one of Benson
White’s speeches, they had no idea
that inside I
was screaming that he was my son.

0

The funny thing is, I
never even liked sex
all that much. But every
body else did, so it
gave me power over
them. I tormented my
stepfather, until I
was thrown out of the house.
I was still learning and
refining. I moved to
the city, where I plowed
through a list of lovers,
men and women, each one
dancing to my tune. Paul
Welch was my best score; I
thought I might even make
him marry me. But then
one of my exes warned
him about my past, so
I lost him, and with him
my best candidate for
security. After
there was just a string of
diminishing prospects.

0

I’m so sorry
Maria. I did
not meant it to
happen like it did.
But life in the
city was strange and
complicated.
And I feared that Spoon
River would make
me feel trapped and bored.
I was far from
bored in the city,
even before
Rachel LeDoux found
me. But once I
was with her, I was
trapped anyway,
and I knew that I
could never be
good enough for you
again. I’m so
ashamed, Maria.
You deserved so
much better than me.

0

When you lose your soul-
mate, you lose a piece of
yourself. And when your
soul-mate turns their back on
you, the little bit
of you that remains is
poisoned. They thought I
gave up and hid from the
world. But really I
was trying to drive the
poison out, purge and
rebuild myself. I was
almost able to.
If I’d had five more years,
maybe I would have.
But I ran out of time.

0

I was in and out of all
the best hospitals, and
all the advanced clinics,
while father spent his money
trying to make me well.
I had a theory that
the nurses at these places
were all selected for
their allure, so as to
seduce a patient into
getting well. It never
worked. Until I came home,
and they hired Sienna.
She was not pretty. But
she was beautiful. How
I wanted to get well for
her. The harder I tried
the worse it got. I asked
her to marry me. She did
not answer no. So I
redoubled my efforts.
I demanded my father
treat her like a daughter.
But then I died, and I
don’t know if he did or if
she just moved on. I wish,
Sienna. Oh, I wish.

0

We were one of the first
families, founders of
Spoon River. My great-great-
grandfather built our house.
Generations of the
Winters came from that home,
to write our name across
the world. Until I failed
them all. I did every
thing I was supposed to –
sent my children to the
best schools, secured for them
prestigious jobs and well-
bred partners. I followed
the plan. I grew richer
and more influential.

But James embezzled and
fled overseas. Janie
died in an accident.
Hank overdosed on pills
after his great disgrace.
Sally’s husband beat her
until she became a
ghost of herself. Philip
contracted a syndrome,
undiagnosable
and incurable. And
Maria just gave up
for some reason no one
ever learned. All of them
broken by life. While I
succeeded at every
goal, but preserving the
family legacy.

0

After years of work, reams of forms,
and waiting and waiting,
I finally qualified to
be an American
citizen. I went in to the
city that day to take
part in a special swearing-in
ceremony, led by
the Attorney General of
the whole country! And I
almost missed it. I couldn’t get
to the courthouse, because
the road was blocked for some bigwigs.
(Later, I found out it
was Christian Deegan, being freed
from some tax burden.) But
in spite of that huge motorcade,
I got there in time to
take my oath to serve, protect and
defend my new homeland.

I wonder if anybody
made Deegan swear that oath.

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